Beliefs That Maximize Loneliness After The Death Of A Loved One
Now that your relatives have gone back home and you are alone for the first time has the sense of being all alone engulfed you? Or, now that it has been several weeks since the death of your loved one, has the reality of his/her absence finally hit home? This horrendous feeling is not easy to dispel when first confronted.
Experts on loneliness tell us the key to dealing with it is a concerted effort at self-development and working on the quality of your inner life. This is especially difficult to do if your identity was completely enmeshed with the person who died.
Your new identity will be made up, in part, with all of the new changes, roles, and routines you will have to embrace as you adjust to the absence of your loved one. It will also be formed by those you associate with. These associations are the key to combating loneliness.
Along the way, it is critical that you make a concerted effort to drop all of the pseudo-beliefs and assumptions you may have adopted about loneliness from the culture in which you live. The power of those beliefs is enormous and will heavily influence how you adjust to your new surroundings. Here are some of the most damaging.
1. It is shameful to feel lonely. Nothing could be further from the truth. Everyone has bouts with loneliness throughout life. It is one of the most frequently experienced conditions reported by children, teens, as well as adults of all ages. No one is immune from the condition. And, among the most lonely—college graduates living with their parents.
2. I must conceal my fear of forever being lonely. Fear of course, is generated by much of what has occurred earlier in life. If you have felt abandoned at times as a child, had premature separations due to work, or had a divorce or parents who divorced, the fear of ongoing loneliness is to be expected. The antidote is to find someone you trust to talk about it and what can be done to deal with it. Face fear head-on, never hide it.
3. Others that are living alone are doing so well. This belief is consistently based on peripheral observations of others who are seen in specific places or at events, not in all phases of their lives. Again, everyone has bouts of loneliness for a wide variety of reasons. Some are lonely due to cognitive reasons (no one to relate to with the same intellectual interests), others due to behavioral reasons (no one to go places with), and still others for emotional reasons (lack of affection). These are the three most common types of loneliness.
4. The perfect friendship myth. Many people cut themselves off from friendships because they do not agree with others on all issues and subjects. True friends are not supposed to disagree, according to this belief pattern. In reality, there are few perfect friendships. The solution is agree to disagree and keep the friendship strong and viable.
5. No one would want to be my friend. Those with low self-esteem commonly feel that they are not worthy of true lifelong friendships. Regardless of the way you feel about yourself there are many good people out there who would be willing to be a friend. You need only to take the first step and choose to find a friend that has similar interests. Then strike up a conversation. Here is a proven method: Take the risk to become involved in helping others and friendships will blossom.
6. The group fun myth. Many individuals have not learned to enjoy there own company. They are convinced that fun can only be had by being with others at all times. Here is where self-development and strengthening interests in activities that can be engaged in on a solo basis is important. Make dinner for one or throw a party for yourself. Become an expert on the computer, or in crafts, or a host of other activities.
7. I won’t be loved. Often, after the death of a loved one, the mourner feels that the one person who truly loved him/her is gone and they are left unloved. Part of this thinking is associated with the disorganization of the grief process. It is a negative inner belief that has to be challenged. And, the best way to do it is to choose to be a more loving person.
You will forever have the loving relationship with the deceased; that never dies. And you can love others in numerous ways from being of service to the less fortunate to treating others as you would like to be treated yourself.
In summary, negative beliefs and assumptions about loneliness play a major role in reinforcing the feelings of isolation commonly experienced in coping with loss. Once any of these misconceptions are recognized, it is essential to put into play a proven plan to combat loneliness.
This includes a deep commitment to building an anti-loneliness program by fully exploring avenues of contact, habitually initiating conversation, strengthening existing relationships, becoming involved in new pursuits, mutual projects, and learning the art of being meetable. It takes time and positive expectation, and the willingness to consult others who have met the challenge to build a new life.
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com
Tags: bereavement, Grief, grief work, loneliness